You know how it is growing up in a home where the parents didn't love themselves, where at best they regret getting married to each other, but since they were stuck with themselves,they just had to keep on going. That's how it felt.
My 'neediness' translated into my wanting affection from anything or anyone.
I didn't stay long with my parents,I was taken to live else where. That place was worse. We were constantly told and made to feel that we were a burden to them and they just hated caring for us at least because my parents never really sent them money to take care of us. It was tough and painful.
I was almost raped twice by my Uncle's friends but was lucky to escape.
My Uncle was mentally unstable so sometimes he would take it out on me and tried to force me to give him a blow job.
There was no use reporting because the only time I did,I ended up being punished for it.
I lived in fear,constant fear of the unknown. If my Uncle said he was travelling,I would be so happy to be free from him but when it was time to return,I would become sad. Because of his mental state, he would sometimes beat me to a point I would bleed but I couldn't escape,people were scared to step in to stop him else he would turn his anger to them. You could just be busy with your chores at home and receive a very hot slap. You dare not ask why.
Some of his reason were; why did you look at me like that?, why are you talking that way? Or why are you walking that way? Or why are you sitting down when I'm around?.
No jokes,I'm not exaggerating. It was that bad.
We could be sleeping in the middle of the night and he would wake us up and tell us to go to the sitting room.
Open our legs, open our hands and mouth and just watch us with a knife in his hands or anything he could find. He would give us this look like we were witches and he was about to kill us or something. He would just keep walking back and forth before us, then he would start laughing and tell us to hold still without blinking. It was scary,those nights. It was really scary.
There was a time we reported to some older people in church in tears about our condition, so they followed us to the house to speak with him,he chased them away with a cutlass in his hands. They ran and forgot why they came and they almost left us behind, but made an arrangement to put us somewhere until he got back to 'normal'. I wished we didn't go back,because it became worse.
This treatment made me feel needy a lot of times. I desperately needed love and affection and I was bent on getting it anywhere.
Then I met a boy. Handsome and tall and I fell hard for him before the word Go. We weren't actually 'dating', we were just seeing ourselves and our houses weren't so far from each other so we could see a lot.
I don't know if he was into me as much but I was sooooo into him. I allowed him do some nasty things to me just to hear him say he liked me. Anything would do but not going home unhappy.
I would visit him regularly and just wanted him to hold me and make me feel 'loved' and 'needed'.
It went on for a while,until I found out that he actually had his girl and since I practically poured myself on him, he didn't attach any importance whatsoever to me.
That wasn't his fault though because what I needed,he just couldn't give.
It was not his place to give me what I was looking for.
So...
To be continued...
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN
0 comments:
Post a Comment